


At A Disadvantage

by AwkwaBen



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, johnkat - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-04
Updated: 2011-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:07:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwaBen/pseuds/AwkwaBen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat has feelings for John and decides it's time to admit them to the object of his affections. However it doesn't exactly go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At A Disadvantage

Having the humans show up in the veil shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, Karkat figured. He figured everything would be fine. Everyone would do what they were supposed to and they would concentrate on winning the game. They would concentrate on surviving.

But it hurt. It hurt because everything was supposed to go smoothly. It hurt because he was supposed to like Terezi. He was supposed to be fine with Harley because really, she was great. He was supposed to hate John. John was even supposed to be his friend. His fellow friendleader and quite possibly the most insufferable human that had ever drawn breath from what he had considered paradise. Even Strider had the potential to be better than derpy faced, buck toothed John Egbert. And it hurt, because he wasn't supposed to feel the way he did for John.

Seeing that face up close with that big grin and that stupid voice that greeted him with so much happiness and excitement really should have just made him angry. And he supposed that on some smaller level it really did, but it in an even bigger way it made him pity the idiot. Seeing that big goofy grin over the computer screen where it wasn't directed at him was one thing, but seeing it in person with the full force of those too blue eyes of his was a completely different thing.

So, the game continued. The game continued and Karkat, in his own way, pined. He really did hate to admit it, but he wanted Egbert. He wanted him alone and he wanted to pity him and make him cry and then he wanted to make him smile again through watery blue eyes. He wanted John all for himself. Selfishly. John was supposed to be with Rose for the sake of their race and Karkat just didn't care.

At dinner time John was surprisingly missing from the group. But not surprisingly, Rose and Kanaya had picked out their own little corner of the lab for meal time. Dave had settled down in Terezi's space while Aradia and Jade talked rather loudly somewhere else and had seemed to even have dragged Gamzee into their conversation.

It was Gamzee who looked up at him and rose on lanky legs. Karkat was offered a lazy smile and he only frowned at the capricorn in return.

"Hey, my motherfuckin' best friend," Gamzee drawled and Karkat still couldn't quite stop staring at those cuts that ran across his face. "You look like you're lookin' for somethin'." Gamzee came forward and he had the audacity to invade Karkat's personal space and sling an arm around his shoulders.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Gamzee," Karkat hissed, not even bothering to be quiet. He pushed the arm off and Gamzee, for the most part, seemed unfazed by this. He kept smiling at Karkat but at least now he wasn't trying to touch him again. "What the fuck do you know, anyway?"

The taller troll shrugged and his eyes roamed the room much in the same way Karkat's had earlier. "It was just a motherfuckin' observation." His eyes returned to Karkat's again and there was a moment where Karkat had thought the other forgot what he was even trying to say.

"If you're lookin' for John," Gamzee was saying and Karkat tensed, "he went off somewhere all my his own motherfuckin' self."

Karkat paused and stared at Gamzee for a long moment, considering him there in front of him and with that stupid expression on his face. Those eyes that said they knew something. Eyes that told Karkat that he shouldn't even bother trying to lie because Gamzee just knew. Gamzee knew that Karkat had been looking at John in that more than friendly way when the dumb human was talking to someone else and Gamzee knew just how badly Karkat wanted to be there for him. With him. Knew that he only wanted to make things better for the idiot. So Karkat nodded and he looked away from those knowing eyes, the fight draining from him for a moment. He figured he could trust his friend with this. His moirail. He didn't need to threaten him or make sure, because he knew, too.

"Yeah," he said instead, looking back up at him briefly. "Thanks, Gamzee. I guess." It was then that Karkat turned away from the labs and away from Gamzee and he stepped back onto the transportalizer.

When the humans got there to the veil they were given rooms left behind by trolls that didn't need them anymore for a lack of a life. Jade had gone to Feferi's abandoned chunk, Rose moved all of Eridan's things out of his section and gotten rid of them before making her own things while Dave had taken up space in the area that Tavros once inhabited and John had moved into Vriska's section. They all seemed comfortable enough there and Karkat figured that if John was going to be anywhere it was Vriska's block. Or, he supposed, it was John's block, now.

It took him some time to get there, and once he did arrive it didn't take him long to find the kid, holed up in the back room Vriska had. The noise from the door opening and closing with Karkat's arrival had startled John and he jumped from where he was sitting on the bed he had alchemized for himself. It looked like he had been crying and that Karkat had just intruded on a private moment with himself.

"Oh. Hi, Karkat," John said, obviously trying to sound chipper and pleased to see him but falling short. The human sniffled and Karkat stayed where he was by the door.

"What the hell are you crying for?" Karkat hissed, his words not quite so biting as he figured they probably should have been. Maybe he just felt bad for interrupting and walking in on him like that without so much as knocking. "Jesus christ, Egbert it's not like you're a fucking wriggler anymore."

John just laughed this off and shrugged, his eyes darting away from Karkat and at the wall of Nicolas Cage that had been plastered to the wall there with Vriska's blue lipstick pressed in certain places over the posters. "I was just thinking."

Karkat figured this made sense. He figured that it was a stupid thing to do to hole up in a room and think with nothing else there to distract him when he could have been doing something much more productive like helping everyone else stay distracted and thinking about what to do next, but it made sense. With some hesitation he went to sit with the other human, wanting to make him feel better. Wanting to help him stop thinking about things that upset him like because damnit, he couldn't help but pity him after walking in on him crying.

"I just..." John hesitated and shrugged, looking at Karkat again before rubbing at his face with one hand, wiping away some of the tears. "Everything that's happened in this game... it's really big, you know?" When Karkat said nothing John just barreled ahead. "I mean... When I woke up that day the last thing I expected was to play this kind of game. I was just going to have fun with Rose but now... now everything's different."

John was talking and Karkat figured there probably wasn't anything to do to stop it. Or at least, nothing he wanted to do to stop it. In fact, he didn't actually want John to stop talking. For once he wanted the human to keep talking, to keep filling him with those red feelings and to keep making Karkat want to act on those feelings.

"I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and I know it's unmanly and stuff to cry about it but..." another shrug, "I guess I can't help it." A nervous and kind of shy chuckle followed this and John looked down to his hands in his lap.

It was decided then that John was actually pretty beautiful up close like that and upset. His eyes seemed a whole lot bluer and even if he had just been crying Karkat couldn't help but want to kiss him. Karkat said nothing, unable to really think of anything that didn't sound stupid or too harsh for the circumstance. So instead of talking, when John looked up at him again with that expectant look he gave into that urge. He leaned in and placed a careful kiss to his lips.

Kissing John was something Karkat had wanted to do for far too long, whether it was because he hated him and wanted to beat him while he did it or because John was beautiful and dumb and a pretty great friend if he had let himself admit it. Kissing him was something he had wanted to do but never actually figured he would get to. Because John 'was not a homosexual' or his 'palhoncho' or whatever other stupid reason was offered to him. But kissing John was also something that was wonderful. His lips were unsurprisingly soft and the soft, surprised noise he made into it was something that Karkat actually kind of wanted to hear more of.

The kiss had only lasted a moment and John hadn't kissed him back, but that was okay because Karkat honestly hadn't expected him to. John's eyes were wide and blue and watery and there was a pause between them while things seemed to sink in for the both of them. While Karkat realized for maybe the third time since knowing John that no, John did not want him that way and he never would.

That pause, however, was broken by John leaning towards Karkat for another kiss, his eyes sliding closed and it was definitely something the troll had not expected. But expected or not, he kissed back. He kissed back and he hummed and he pressed one hand at the base of John's neck, pulling him in just a bit further and god damnit kissing John was nice. It felt good and he wondered why he hadn't done it sooner.

Karkat's chest swelled with all of his red feelings and damn he never felt quite this good, quite this good to be kissing someone, a stupid pink human especially. He loved John and he felt that need to be loved in return. Felt that need for this to continue and admit out loud that yes, he pitied him. Yes, he wanted him and god yes did he want him.

John's hands had bunched up in the fabric of Karkat's hoodie and the human had pressed closer, humming softly into their kiss and letting out the most adorable gasp when Karkat flicked his tongue against his lips. Those pink lips parted for him and then all Karkat could taste was candy and sugar and John and it was all wonderful. He shivered with the taste and there was a tiny moan coming from John at that point. A tiny almost desperate moan.

This, Karkat thought, was definitely a good sign. So he pressed, hands going to John's waist and pulling him closer still as they kissed and hummed and gasped and Karkat may or may not have been purring through it. It all came crashing down, however when John suddenly jerked away from him.

Karkat looked at him and he frowned, confused and upset with this stopping business because damn, kissing John had been pretty damn great. "Why the hell did you stop?"

"I just..." John's eyes were wide again and stood to his feet, placing distance between them that made it clear that was not what John had wanted. Guilt settled in and Karkat stood as well but made no move at all to reach for him or to continue what they had been doing before. "I'm sorry, Karkat. I really..." he hesitated, swallowed and it almost looked like he was going to start crying again, "I really think you should go."

"What? Why?" The words came out as a hiss and that had definitely not been what Karkat wanted to happen.

"Because, Karkat. I am not a homosexual and that was definitely something that totally shouldn't have happened!" John looked hurt and a little worried.

"Fuck you, John," Karkat growled, "you kissed me back and you didn't pull away and you didn't say anything then!"

"I didn't know what I was doing! You kissed me and I just..." John paused again but this time seeming to flail around for the right words. "I just thought it was kind of comforting, I guess! I don't know! I'm really confused right now!"

Karkat only got angry. Angry at frustrated. But what he was frustrated at he wasn't completely sure. John, maybe. Himself, probably. But perhaps it was an awful mixture of both. He glared at John with his stupid blue eyes and his dumb god tier pajamas all blue and awful.

Karkat had opened his mouth to growl at him some more, to yell and accuse and insult him but John stopped him. "Karkat don't, just... just don't. I really think you should leave right now. And I would really appreciate it if we didn't talk for a while."

Fuck. Jesus fuck John was breaking up with him in the completely platonic sense and it made him furious. Furious and upset. His heart sank deep into his stomach and he turned and left the room, wanting to slam the door shut on his way out but being rendered unable to as the door was automatic and moved in a vertical motion rather than a horizontal one. But he left all the same, feeling torn and angry and every bit like John had just ripped his heart out and smashed it against something. He didn't even care how over dramatic that sounded, even in his head.

It was over. It was over and Karkat was pretty sure no amount of shitty movies or trolling or anything else John may or may not have liked could have fixed what he just broke between them.

**Author's Note:**

> The idea, I had decided, was a good one. And I really enjoy sadstuck. I enjoy writing it and reading it and crying at the sweet babies going through a horrible time. But I didn't like this when I finished it. However it seems other people like it so I'll post it regardless.


End file.
